A very hard post

I don't think anyone reads this blog yet though I don't mind as this is more for me to express myself though I do sincerely hope to find people out there who truly understand me. This post will probably be the hardest I will ever write. I have talked about this but never writen it out and I'm scared I might not be up for it yet. My hope for chronology goes out the window with this but I have felt the need to get this done for a few days now. This post will be gross, I'm gonna tell it like it is and it's not going to be pretty. Well, here goes......

I think the story starts with a boyfriend I had starting just before I turned 18. We worked together for several months and both got fired the same week. That is a whole other story of injustice. He broke up with me New Year's Eve 2004. I had helped him get a job at a local resturant and for Superbowl in 2005 my work was having a function at this resturant. My job that day was to tool around in a mini sand rail in a tiny shirt, tight pants and the thong sticking out. Basically I was the embodiment of 'sex sells'....in Febuary (I live in a cold part of AZ) I still liked my ex and was all for making him regret dumping me.

The resturant had hired 2 youngish guys to shoot footage for a TV comercial and my boss had aranged for the motorsports place to get a bit of time too. I really liked one of these guys, T. I flirted shamelessly and was compleatly thrilled when he gave me his number...right in front of my ex! I could tell my ex was pissed and I loved it.

I decided to stay the night at my friend J's house and invited him to stay too. We watched a movie and kinda got busy in the bathroom. I didn't see him for a while after this as he had to leave town for work. When he came back he was staying in a townhouse for a time. I visited him several times and then told my parents I was staying at my friend L's house and went to see him. He acted the perfect gentleman. As evening rolled around he asked if I wanted a drink and since I wasn't quite done with my bad girl days I accepted. It was rock star (which I still cannot drink...I can't drink ANY energy drink anymore) and alcohol, though I don't remember what. It tasted odd, and I felt way drunker than 1 drink could account for, even a strong one. I threw up and it was his friend who took care of me.

He finally started getting interested in me again once I stopped puking and felt better. I don't remember how it started but we ended up on the living room floor with a blanket under us and one over us. We were having sex, and I looked up and saw an unopened condom on the coffee table. I was compleatly out of it and though I have worked out that the rape lasted no less than 6 hours, luckily I only remember about 45 minutes worth and not for weeks after. This was sometime in March. He continued to call me often after he left the state saying that he wanted to be with me and such. I was unaware of what had happened at this point.

In May I was....well,um......I was pleasuring myself....(that sounds so wierd but I can't think of another way to put it) and I felt something. I grabbed a mirror and contorted myself to look, I was not very good at this and failed to see much. I went downstairs to talk to my mother (shes an OB/GYN so its not THAT wierd, though can be uncomfortable) and she looked for me. When she gasped and said "oh my god" my heart dropped and I knew it was bad, really bad. I had genital warts. Only 2 but they were huge. About the size of a quarter.

Testing galore ensued. I though it had been my ex, but the timing was wrong. I wracked my brain and started to realize it was T. We had used a condom in the bathroom so this was unlikely to be the cause. I confronted him over the phone, and he admited it. He said he did it because he loved me and didn't want me to leave him. He revealed that I was not the first, nor the last. All he told me was that he had given it to "some other chicks". He also told me, quite proudly I might add, that he had put ecstasy in my drink and he hinted that he gave me something else too but was never able to pry it out of him.

Things went downhill from there. My pap came back abnormal. We didn't have it tested for typing which we probably should have as I most likely had more than one. I had abnormal cells on my cervix, I was officially pre-cancerous...at 18.

I think I need to stop here for now, this has been emotionally draining. I'm going to finish the story later, treatment and recovery to come.