I had a blood test run on friday by my work as I have been sick for several weeks. It came back positive for swine flu. It honestly isn't that bad. I didn't even know what it was for the longest time. I have had some killer nausea but only puked a few times early on. The diarrhea has been intermittent though pretty bad. My poo has been green whether solid or not. The common body aches are annoying but not that horrible. Runny nose and a mildly sore throat. I think the cough is from the runny nose. Really the only truly bad symtoms are the headaches and the going from hot to cold quickly and without warning. The headache is almost constant, low on the forehead, between my eyes and at times my actual eyeballs ache. Tylenol helps sometimes but not all the time, and never for more than 4 hours. If its more than 68 degrees I am sweating and bad. It stinks so much worse than usual. Then 5 minutes later I will be cozy under my covers and shivering so hard it shakes the bed.
When I put it all down like this it sounds so much worse than it is. It is not fun but it's also not really all that bad. I'm going on three weeks out of work since I work for an OB/GYN office and I absolutly cannot work when there are patients as pregnant women are at such risk. I go in for a few hours Friday afternoon since we close at noon and there are almost no people there. It's a good thing the swine flu memo went out when it did or I might have gone to work with this. But I have had a fever over 100 since day 1 and that was one of the "don't even think about coming to work" symptoms. So hopefully I will be back to work soon but I have to be extremely careful since about half of our patients are pregnant and we really don't want them getting even the mild swine flu that I have since it would endanger their babies.
I thought this would be a short post but it ended up longer than I thought it would. I really am getting good at long posts.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
A very hard post
I don't think anyone reads this blog yet though I don't mind as this is more for me to express myself though I do sincerely hope to find people out there who truly understand me. This post will probably be the hardest I will ever write. I have talked about this but never writen it out and I'm scared I might not be up for it yet. My hope for chronology goes out the window with this but I have felt the need to get this done for a few days now. This post will be gross, I'm gonna tell it like it is and it's not going to be pretty. Well, here goes......
I think the story starts with a boyfriend I had starting just before I turned 18. We worked together for several months and both got fired the same week. That is a whole other story of injustice. He broke up with me New Year's Eve 2004. I had helped him get a job at a local resturant and for Superbowl in 2005 my work was having a function at this resturant. My job that day was to tool around in a mini sand rail in a tiny shirt, tight pants and the thong sticking out. Basically I was the embodiment of 'sex sells'....in Febuary (I live in a cold part of AZ) I still liked my ex and was all for making him regret dumping me.
The resturant had hired 2 youngish guys to shoot footage for a TV comercial and my boss had aranged for the motorsports place to get a bit of time too. I really liked one of these guys, T. I flirted shamelessly and was compleatly thrilled when he gave me his number...right in front of my ex! I could tell my ex was pissed and I loved it.
I decided to stay the night at my friend J's house and invited him to stay too. We watched a movie and kinda got busy in the bathroom. I didn't see him for a while after this as he had to leave town for work. When he came back he was staying in a townhouse for a time. I visited him several times and then told my parents I was staying at my friend L's house and went to see him. He acted the perfect gentleman. As evening rolled around he asked if I wanted a drink and since I wasn't quite done with my bad girl days I accepted. It was rock star (which I still cannot drink...I can't drink ANY energy drink anymore) and alcohol, though I don't remember what. It tasted odd, and I felt way drunker than 1 drink could account for, even a strong one. I threw up and it was his friend who took care of me.
He finally started getting interested in me again once I stopped puking and felt better. I don't remember how it started but we ended up on the living room floor with a blanket under us and one over us. We were having sex, and I looked up and saw an unopened condom on the coffee table. I was compleatly out of it and though I have worked out that the rape lasted no less than 6 hours, luckily I only remember about 45 minutes worth and not for weeks after. This was sometime in March. He continued to call me often after he left the state saying that he wanted to be with me and such. I was unaware of what had happened at this point.
In May I was....well,um......I was pleasuring myself....(that sounds so wierd but I can't think of another way to put it) and I felt something. I grabbed a mirror and contorted myself to look, I was not very good at this and failed to see much. I went downstairs to talk to my mother (shes an OB/GYN so its not THAT wierd, though can be uncomfortable) and she looked for me. When she gasped and said "oh my god" my heart dropped and I knew it was bad, really bad. I had genital warts. Only 2 but they were huge. About the size of a quarter.
Testing galore ensued. I though it had been my ex, but the timing was wrong. I wracked my brain and started to realize it was T. We had used a condom in the bathroom so this was unlikely to be the cause. I confronted him over the phone, and he admited it. He said he did it because he loved me and didn't want me to leave him. He revealed that I was not the first, nor the last. All he told me was that he had given it to "some other chicks". He also told me, quite proudly I might add, that he had put ecstasy in my drink and he hinted that he gave me something else too but was never able to pry it out of him.
Things went downhill from there. My pap came back abnormal. We didn't have it tested for typing which we probably should have as I most likely had more than one. I had abnormal cells on my cervix, I was officially pre-cancerous...at 18.
I think I need to stop here for now, this has been emotionally draining. I'm going to finish the story later, treatment and recovery to come.
I think the story starts with a boyfriend I had starting just before I turned 18. We worked together for several months and both got fired the same week. That is a whole other story of injustice. He broke up with me New Year's Eve 2004. I had helped him get a job at a local resturant and for Superbowl in 2005 my work was having a function at this resturant. My job that day was to tool around in a mini sand rail in a tiny shirt, tight pants and the thong sticking out. Basically I was the embodiment of 'sex sells'....in Febuary (I live in a cold part of AZ) I still liked my ex and was all for making him regret dumping me.
The resturant had hired 2 youngish guys to shoot footage for a TV comercial and my boss had aranged for the motorsports place to get a bit of time too. I really liked one of these guys, T. I flirted shamelessly and was compleatly thrilled when he gave me his number...right in front of my ex! I could tell my ex was pissed and I loved it.
I decided to stay the night at my friend J's house and invited him to stay too. We watched a movie and kinda got busy in the bathroom. I didn't see him for a while after this as he had to leave town for work. When he came back he was staying in a townhouse for a time. I visited him several times and then told my parents I was staying at my friend L's house and went to see him. He acted the perfect gentleman. As evening rolled around he asked if I wanted a drink and since I wasn't quite done with my bad girl days I accepted. It was rock star (which I still cannot drink...I can't drink ANY energy drink anymore) and alcohol, though I don't remember what. It tasted odd, and I felt way drunker than 1 drink could account for, even a strong one. I threw up and it was his friend who took care of me.
He finally started getting interested in me again once I stopped puking and felt better. I don't remember how it started but we ended up on the living room floor with a blanket under us and one over us. We were having sex, and I looked up and saw an unopened condom on the coffee table. I was compleatly out of it and though I have worked out that the rape lasted no less than 6 hours, luckily I only remember about 45 minutes worth and not for weeks after. This was sometime in March. He continued to call me often after he left the state saying that he wanted to be with me and such. I was unaware of what had happened at this point.
In May I was....well,um......I was pleasuring myself....(that sounds so wierd but I can't think of another way to put it) and I felt something. I grabbed a mirror and contorted myself to look, I was not very good at this and failed to see much. I went downstairs to talk to my mother (shes an OB/GYN so its not THAT wierd, though can be uncomfortable) and she looked for me. When she gasped and said "oh my god" my heart dropped and I knew it was bad, really bad. I had genital warts. Only 2 but they were huge. About the size of a quarter.
Testing galore ensued. I though it had been my ex, but the timing was wrong. I wracked my brain and started to realize it was T. We had used a condom in the bathroom so this was unlikely to be the cause. I confronted him over the phone, and he admited it. He said he did it because he loved me and didn't want me to leave him. He revealed that I was not the first, nor the last. All he told me was that he had given it to "some other chicks". He also told me, quite proudly I might add, that he had put ecstasy in my drink and he hinted that he gave me something else too but was never able to pry it out of him.
Things went downhill from there. My pap came back abnormal. We didn't have it tested for typing which we probably should have as I most likely had more than one. I had abnormal cells on my cervix, I was officially pre-cancerous...at 18.
I think I need to stop here for now, this has been emotionally draining. I'm going to finish the story later, treatment and recovery to come.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
My wonderful brother
My brother is an amazing kid who has jumped a lot of hurdles in his 18 years. He was born when I was four and a half. Before he was very old it was obvious he was different than most babies. He hated loud noises, unless he was the one making them. He would scream if I decided to bang on my pots. So we didn't get along well at first. I have the most adorable picture of him when he was 2 sitting in a wooden salad bowl watching TV in his white jumpsuit with blue stars on it. He always had to watch TV in a bowl or pot.
We were told he was ADHD when he was about 7. He did the ritalin thing as well as alternative and expensive attention treatments which involved him walking on a 2x4 in the living room. This I could kind of understand but the glasses baffled me. These treatments never seemed to work like the doctors always said they would.
I don't remember how old he was when we got the news. I think 10-12. I had been dealing with my own problems and as I got better I realized I hadn't treated my brother very good. Our relationship was pretty good by this point. We found out my brother was mildly autistic. He was diagnosed with Asperger's/Asberger's (the spelling differs even in the proffesional areas). The characteristics of this type of autism are quite intriguing. The social center of his brain, the part that understand personal space, facial expressions and body language doesn't connect to the rest of his brain. So any non-verbal language he has difficulty understanding. He had to learn that a frown means sad the way the rest of us learned math.
His facial expressions have always been greatly exagerated and we realized this was because he was learning them from TV! Particularly amine whose facial expresions are very exagerated. He forgets obviously at times but he tries so very hard that it's sweet. My parents bought lots of books to learn about Asperger's and only read a few. I read every single one, many times. Especially the one written by someone with Asperger's. It was facinating to almost understand my baby brother. We became closer than I ever thought possible.
Now, I understand my brother so much more. He comes to me for help, and to talk. He doesn't feel comfortable with my parents because they treat him like a child. True he has the maturity of a 12 year old, but he'll never act 18 unless he's treated his age. I will admit I do resent the way my parents coddle him, not because it took time away from me (I got over that many years ago) but because they won't give him any chance to grow up. They talk about their hopes that he will be independent one day and be able to fend for himself but they give him no chances to spread his wings.
It's true that autism is difficult. I don't think it applies to just the severly autistic. There are different things to do for each kind and we keep finding new autism spectrum disorders. I'm not going to say I want a cure, because I don't. I love my brother how he is and can't imagine him any other way and don't want to. He is Sam and he is my brother and I love him. I just wish it wasn't so hard or so controversial to deal with.
We were told he was ADHD when he was about 7. He did the ritalin thing as well as alternative and expensive attention treatments which involved him walking on a 2x4 in the living room. This I could kind of understand but the glasses baffled me. These treatments never seemed to work like the doctors always said they would.
I don't remember how old he was when we got the news. I think 10-12. I had been dealing with my own problems and as I got better I realized I hadn't treated my brother very good. Our relationship was pretty good by this point. We found out my brother was mildly autistic. He was diagnosed with Asperger's/Asberger's (the spelling differs even in the proffesional areas). The characteristics of this type of autism are quite intriguing. The social center of his brain, the part that understand personal space, facial expressions and body language doesn't connect to the rest of his brain. So any non-verbal language he has difficulty understanding. He had to learn that a frown means sad the way the rest of us learned math.
His facial expressions have always been greatly exagerated and we realized this was because he was learning them from TV! Particularly amine whose facial expresions are very exagerated. He forgets obviously at times but he tries so very hard that it's sweet. My parents bought lots of books to learn about Asperger's and only read a few. I read every single one, many times. Especially the one written by someone with Asperger's. It was facinating to almost understand my baby brother. We became closer than I ever thought possible.
Now, I understand my brother so much more. He comes to me for help, and to talk. He doesn't feel comfortable with my parents because they treat him like a child. True he has the maturity of a 12 year old, but he'll never act 18 unless he's treated his age. I will admit I do resent the way my parents coddle him, not because it took time away from me (I got over that many years ago) but because they won't give him any chance to grow up. They talk about their hopes that he will be independent one day and be able to fend for himself but they give him no chances to spread his wings.
It's true that autism is difficult. I don't think it applies to just the severly autistic. There are different things to do for each kind and we keep finding new autism spectrum disorders. I'm not going to say I want a cure, because I don't. I love my brother how he is and can't imagine him any other way and don't want to. He is Sam and he is my brother and I love him. I just wish it wasn't so hard or so controversial to deal with.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
This is me
Hello, my name is Morgan. That's the most I ever plan to tell on this blog. I need a place to vent and to talk about things that no one seems to understand. There will be TMI moments, but they are part of me so if you don't want to read them be careful.
As I said, my name is Morgan, I am 22 (23 in a month), married to a wonderful guy. I work part-time at a doctor's office and am attending school full time online. I have 2 cats whom I love to death, and are my children for the time being. In my short time on earth I have dealt with far more than anyone would think. Most people are blown away when they hear only a small part. I doubt it will be chronological but I will try to tell most of my story within a few weeks. The basics:
I grew up in a normal middle class family. I was an accidental baby to older parents, at 36 and it being the 80's my mom was quite old. This caused me some problems later in life. My mother was also a doctor, and I grew up with a mostly stay at home dad, nanny's and at my mom's office. My brother was born when I was 4.5 and my mother was 41. He has a lot of problems and this causes a lot of strain in my family. We moved when I was 7, my Aunt and Uncle moved in with us, he was a former chef from New York and physically, emotionally and verbally abusive to me and my Autisic (though we didn't know he was then) brother, who was 3. He was also over 6 feet tall and wieghed at least 300 pounds. It went on for several years and I thank goodness he left before I hit puberty, who knows what might have happened.
(TMI)
Puberty was not good to me, I had boobs early though not as early as some. I got my first period on my 12th birthday, and my "boyfriend" dumped me. I was in 7th grade ( I was a year ahead in school btw) and had no friends, I rarely did until 8th grade. My first period was ok and they got progressivly worse. By the time I was 13 it was near unbearable, they lasted no less than 10 days, the first and last were light...the other days were far from it. I would soak through those overnight diaper like pads in literally an hour. The cramps came hard and fast from day one and I would literally be unable to move for hours. I missed school often. I almost wound up in the hospital for blood loss on several occasions, and as you can guess I was anemic. This was a horrible time in my life I will elaborate on later, I will just say I have my period once a year now but still have all my bits, if I am infertile it's not this.
(TMI over...for now)
I had a boyfriend in high school, I graduated 5 years ago....he now cell phone stalks me as he doesn't know where I live (for now). This causes me and hubby no end of grief....and some laughs honestly.
I was raped when I was 18 and went through multiple surgeries for this. (I think my overall count of surgerys is 6 now...3 oral surgeries (wisdom teeth, skin graph, and 1st molar removal), a knee arthroscopy, cryo surgery and a LEEP.) I got HPV from this and got BOTH of the possible results of this STD, will tell later! Post Tramatic Stress Disorder was the result. The United States Navy exploited this and I hate them for it...or maybe just the evil people in my state.
Things are mostly better now, I have a wonderful husband who help me with my PTSD and anxiety crap and never gets frustrated with me over it (Shit, *I* would if I were him, I'm annoying!) We have 2 wonderful cats who are helping fill my deep need to become a mommy. I almost lost my ability to have children and I feel the desire everyday. I know it's best to wait till I'm done with school and our financial situation has improved. Oh, and I recently learned that the office I work at might shut down soon. I *need* this job, they are the only place I have found that is compasionate and helpful with my back problems.
I most likely should be on disability but if my mother can't get on it for her stage 4 chronic kidney diease and inability to see at night due to lasik gone wrong then I sure can't for back issues. After complaining of pain for 2 years my mother found a chiropractor who was supposed to be AMAZING. He even did X-Rays! I'm more messed up than I thought at first. He was my hero, until we ran out of money to see him, so now I'm back to taking way to much Tramadol than can possibly be good for me.
My life is defininitly not what most people visualize for an upper middle class daughter of a doctor. But this is me and my life and maybe I can disuade some people of that fact that well off kids can't have a hell of a childhood.
As I said, my name is Morgan, I am 22 (23 in a month), married to a wonderful guy. I work part-time at a doctor's office and am attending school full time online. I have 2 cats whom I love to death, and are my children for the time being. In my short time on earth I have dealt with far more than anyone would think. Most people are blown away when they hear only a small part. I doubt it will be chronological but I will try to tell most of my story within a few weeks. The basics:
I grew up in a normal middle class family. I was an accidental baby to older parents, at 36 and it being the 80's my mom was quite old. This caused me some problems later in life. My mother was also a doctor, and I grew up with a mostly stay at home dad, nanny's and at my mom's office. My brother was born when I was 4.5 and my mother was 41. He has a lot of problems and this causes a lot of strain in my family. We moved when I was 7, my Aunt and Uncle moved in with us, he was a former chef from New York and physically, emotionally and verbally abusive to me and my Autisic (though we didn't know he was then) brother, who was 3. He was also over 6 feet tall and wieghed at least 300 pounds. It went on for several years and I thank goodness he left before I hit puberty, who knows what might have happened.
(TMI)
Puberty was not good to me, I had boobs early though not as early as some. I got my first period on my 12th birthday, and my "boyfriend" dumped me. I was in 7th grade ( I was a year ahead in school btw) and had no friends, I rarely did until 8th grade. My first period was ok and they got progressivly worse. By the time I was 13 it was near unbearable, they lasted no less than 10 days, the first and last were light...the other days were far from it. I would soak through those overnight diaper like pads in literally an hour. The cramps came hard and fast from day one and I would literally be unable to move for hours. I missed school often. I almost wound up in the hospital for blood loss on several occasions, and as you can guess I was anemic. This was a horrible time in my life I will elaborate on later, I will just say I have my period once a year now but still have all my bits, if I am infertile it's not this.
(TMI over...for now)
I had a boyfriend in high school, I graduated 5 years ago....he now cell phone stalks me as he doesn't know where I live (for now). This causes me and hubby no end of grief....and some laughs honestly.
I was raped when I was 18 and went through multiple surgeries for this. (I think my overall count of surgerys is 6 now...3 oral surgeries (wisdom teeth, skin graph, and 1st molar removal), a knee arthroscopy, cryo surgery and a LEEP.) I got HPV from this and got BOTH of the possible results of this STD, will tell later! Post Tramatic Stress Disorder was the result. The United States Navy exploited this and I hate them for it...or maybe just the evil people in my state.
Things are mostly better now, I have a wonderful husband who help me with my PTSD and anxiety crap and never gets frustrated with me over it (Shit, *I* would if I were him, I'm annoying!) We have 2 wonderful cats who are helping fill my deep need to become a mommy. I almost lost my ability to have children and I feel the desire everyday. I know it's best to wait till I'm done with school and our financial situation has improved. Oh, and I recently learned that the office I work at might shut down soon. I *need* this job, they are the only place I have found that is compasionate and helpful with my back problems.
I most likely should be on disability but if my mother can't get on it for her stage 4 chronic kidney diease and inability to see at night due to lasik gone wrong then I sure can't for back issues. After complaining of pain for 2 years my mother found a chiropractor who was supposed to be AMAZING. He even did X-Rays! I'm more messed up than I thought at first. He was my hero, until we ran out of money to see him, so now I'm back to taking way to much Tramadol than can possibly be good for me.
My life is defininitly not what most people visualize for an upper middle class daughter of a doctor. But this is me and my life and maybe I can disuade some people of that fact that well off kids can't have a hell of a childhood.
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